You know you never realize just how fast kids grow up. It seemed just like yesterday that I was changing her diapers and teaching her to walk and talk. I watched from the sidewalk as she climbed onto the bus for her first day of first grade. This was going to be more difficult that I had thought. My mom had been going up and down with the idea of moving away, which I of course didn’t like one bit.
I may have a piece of Ryan with me each and every day, but call me a prude I don’t want leave. I don’t want to make him think I’ve forgotten and moved on. My mom tells me every day that he would want me to move on and find someone for Kaybree, but I just don’t have the heart to do it. I felt like I would be cheating and mocking the image he made.
I still love him even if it has been six years. I swallowed hard as I glanced back the house and see my mom standing in the window. She knows what goes through my head it’s almost scary, but there’s one thing that always crosses it that I know for sure she doesn’t know about.
Walking back to the house my mom stops just as I walk in the front door. “They grow up so fast don’t they? I still remember your first day of school.” She smiled at me as I forced a smile.
“They sure do mom, but I think I’m going to go write some more on my book okay?” Her smile faded and shook her head. She looked almost sad.
Grabbing my laptop I opened my files and let my fingers fly across the keyboard. I never really let anyone read my work. It’s personal to me up until I release it. Call it the jitters I don’t know exactly. I gnawed gently on the side of my cheek as I slumped in my chair. This wasn’t working anymore. None of it was. I was being defeated by the demons that always lingered nearby.
Taking in a deep breath I opened up a new file pouring my heart and soul into it. Before I knew it heard Kaybree in the next room. I hadn’t realized that much time had gone by.
“MOM!” she came barreling into my room with a wide smile on my face. “Guess what! Guess what!” she jumped up and down as I shut my laptop.
“What is it sweety?” I took her into my lap and sat her on my knee.
“School was awesome! We made pictures and I got to meet all my new classmates. There’s this girl her name is Cindy and I think we are going to be best friends. We sit next to each other in class and we even sat together at lunch too!” I chuckled as I ruffled her hair.
“I’m so glad you’re making friends already.” She became quite as a confused look went across her face.
“Mommy, I have a question?” She glanced up at me as I put her back down and stood up. My legs were beginning to cramp from sitting down too long.
“Of course hun.” I smiled slightly for reassurance.
“There was a man today that picked Cindy up. She said he was her dad.” She looked up at me with curious eyes. “Why don’t I have a daddy mom?” I shut my eyes to stop the sudden sensation of crying. I knew she would ask eventually, but I didn’t think she would ask so soon. I motioned for her to sit on the edge of the bed with me.
“Kaybree, honey something bad happened to your dad when you were still in mommy’s belly.” I got up from the edge of the bed to rummage through one of the desk drawers and pulled out a picture. Ryan and I are smiling faces shown mockingly at me and depicted a time of happiness. This was one of our engagement pictures. Turning around I handed it to her.
“Your father’s name was Ryan. He was a wonderful man, and he would have been so proud of you Kaybree. You are everything he wanted in a daughter.” I sniffled as I held back more tears.
“Mommy, don’t cry.” She jumped up still holding the picture and hugged me. “You still have me.” I swallowed hard.
“I know honey, I love you.” She squeezed my neck just before I put her down.
“I love you too mommy. I forgot, grandma said I needed to come help her make cookies!” She placed the picture down on my bed and skipped out of the doorway.
Longingly I looked at the picture on my bed. Picking it up I placed it on the edge of my desk. For so long I kept it in that drawer hoping it would keep all the memories at bay, but of course it didn’t. I shut my eyes and let the tears come and the pain floods my heart once again.
“Mommy!” Kaybree’s voice echoed up the stairs. “Come get some cookies!!!” Wiping away the tears I sucked in a steady breath. I needed to be strong for just a little bit longer for her.
Walking down the stairs I knew instantly my mom knew something was up from my composure. “Kaybee, why don’t you take some of those cookies we made and head up stairs to watch some cartoons while your mother and I make some dinner?”
“Okay.” Happily she grabbed a handful of cookies and made her way up the stairs.
“What’s wrong Luc?” She pulled some ingredients from the fridge as I washed up the rest of the dishes.
“She asked me where her dad was.” My mother went silent. “I told her something happened to him but not what. I don’t need my six year old dwelling on traumatizing things.”
Drying them off I placed them in the cupboards and turned to see my mom staring at me.
“Are you alright?” Shaking my head yes I plopped down at the kitchen table. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it reassuringly. “She needs you Luc.” She could sense it now, which scared me even more.
As we sat down for dinner Kaybree told us about the rest of her day, but the horrible gnawing feeling in the back of my head kept me distracted. Did she really need a nut job of a mother who was always on the verge of being pushed over the edge? This was in fact the anniversary of the first day we met. I couldn’t dwell on it. I just couldn’t, not right now.
The night came to a close as I tucked Kaybree in her bed. I sat there for the longest time watching her sleep. I’ve tried giving her everything I could, but somehow I still felt it wasn’t good enough. Closing my eyes I shook my head lightly and clicked the door shut behind me. It was time.
Now as I sit here on the beach on our six year anniversary, with Kaybree safe at home snug in her bed I know it needs to be done. I left a note on my mother’s nightstand just before I left. She never understood. I’ll never be able to be the mother Kaybree deserves. I’m always off wondering of what could have been instead of what it is. I lost everything. I am an empty shell of nothing and I don’t even deserve to be alive. I should have died with Ryan.
I sighed as I gazed up into the never ending sky. Saying my last good-byes I stood up and stepped into the water cold grasp. Walking slowly I fell forward and at first it felt like a million knives were being pushed into my skin and oddly it became a peaceful sensation. I closed my eyes welcoming deaths embrace and the hopes that Ryan will be waiting for me on the other side. I felt the urge to breath grow and I gladly said my last words to myself. “I will find you again.” I saw as Ryan reached for me with a smile upon his face and soon I was in his arms once again.
that was sad. How could she leave her daughter like that? She was so completely consumed with grief even six years later. Kaybree is not going to understand, I hope she doesn't blame herself as she grows up.
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