Never Be the Same - Chapter 1.10

The worst part of everything was watching him being lowered into the ground. It really didn’t hit me hard until the actual reality of it set in once he was buried. He was gone and he was never coming back. I closed my eyes as I stood over his grave as my heart pounded in my chest. I still can’t believe it’s been nine months since his death. It still feels as if it was yesterday that he held me in his arms.

Our soon to be born baby rolled around in my stomach sensing my mood shifting. Lightly I touched my stomach hoping that somehow I could reassure the unborn child everything will be alright no matter how down I get. The baby was the only thing I had left of Ryan besides the memories I held dear in my heart.

Taking in a deep breath I touched his headstone as I set down a single small rose near it. “I love you Ryan.” I whispered lightly into the brisk cool air of the night. I think the only piece of good news that I ever received since his death was that Colby was found guilty for his murder. Thank goodness at that. I was relieved to know I wouldn’t have to leave town.

Turning around I made my way back to my car and back to my moms. Since Ryan’s death I didn’t feel comfortable living there in the small home we bought together. It was oddly quiet and it reminded me so much of what we once had.

I thought things would be easier and I’d be able to cope more since we weren’t married, but even though I carry this living baby inside me I still feel like my whole world is missing. I blame myself more than ever, even though everyone tells me it wasn’t my fault; I know deep down inside it really is. I insisted he went out that night even though he didn’t want to leave me behind, and if it weren’t for doing something about Colby maybe he wouldn’t have snapped and shot him just to get to me. Maybe we should have moved… maybe… there was an unlimited amount of maybes that I could continue with, but I just couldn’t stop beating myself up about ‘maybe’ or ‘if’ and ‘what could have been’.

Pulling into the driveway I slouched as my way up the front steps of my mother’s small and greeting home. Lightly shutting the door my mom jumped from the chair she ended up passing out in. Did I forget to mention that people treat me far differently than they used to. I swear they think I’m on the edge of a psychotic breakdown and need to be placed in a mental hospital so I can be put in a stupid white jacket that lets me hug myself all stinking day.

“You’re home.” She pushed a small strand of hair from her face as she tried to make the worried look on her face casual. “Visit him again?” Clearing her throat she walked up to me placing a hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah I did.” I placed my hand over my stomach once more as an odd and very painful sensation made its way through my abdomen.

“Lucy….I think it’s time we talked.” She went to open her mouth, but I threw my hand up stopping her as another wave of pain rolled my body. “Don’t you..” I cut her off before she could even finish her sentence.

“Mom, I think it’s time.” Grabbing a hold of my stomach it felt hard beneath my fingers and I knew immediately it was in fact time.

"Oh my goodness.” All the worry washed from her voice as it was replaced with excitement.
Being whisked away to the hospital I was lost in thought once again as I tried to ignore the staggering pain. Ryan… oh how I wish he was here to help me through this, but no I had to settle for my loon of a mother.

The deliver went smooth and faster than I could have hoped for. Once I saw her face I was in love all over again. She reminded me so much of Ryan. I didn’t even realize 2 days had gone by since I had her and standing outside with her in my arms with my mother standing with me.

“She’s so lovely Lucy.” My mother held her in the arms shortly after we arrived home. “I think Kaybree fits her just right.”

I smiled for the first time in a long time. “I think it does too mom.” Taking her from my mom I held her close and whispered softly. “Ryan would have loved you.” Pulling her back I looked into Kaybree’s eyes and felt at peace. I had to be strong for her.

Sometimes at night I swear I could hear Kaybree cooing and Ryan laughing. I could always imagine just how he would be. Holding her close and gently playing with her by blowing raspberries on her belly. I wonder at times when I go in her room at night if he’s there with her in spirit and she’s the only one that can see him.

Months flew by and I don’t know where I would be without the help of my mom. I got back into the flow of writing and whenever I was on the verge of a break down my mom was there to whisk away Kaybree so I could have a break, and to think I dreaded living here for the longest time.

Soon it was Kaybree’s first birthday and as we stood by the bright lights of her birthday cake; everyone cheered as I helped her blow out her candles and the lingering feeling of something missing filled my soul once again. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do this anymore. There was always the constant fighting with the inner demons that tormented me so as I struggled to push back every fleeting moment.