Never Be the Same - Chapter 1.10

The worst part of everything was watching him being lowered into the ground. It really didn’t hit me hard until the actual reality of it set in once he was buried. He was gone and he was never coming back. I closed my eyes as I stood over his grave as my heart pounded in my chest. I still can’t believe it’s been nine months since his death. It still feels as if it was yesterday that he held me in his arms.

Our soon to be born baby rolled around in my stomach sensing my mood shifting. Lightly I touched my stomach hoping that somehow I could reassure the unborn child everything will be alright no matter how down I get. The baby was the only thing I had left of Ryan besides the memories I held dear in my heart.

Taking in a deep breath I touched his headstone as I set down a single small rose near it. “I love you Ryan.” I whispered lightly into the brisk cool air of the night. I think the only piece of good news that I ever received since his death was that Colby was found guilty for his murder. Thank goodness at that. I was relieved to know I wouldn’t have to leave town.

Turning around I made my way back to my car and back to my moms. Since Ryan’s death I didn’t feel comfortable living there in the small home we bought together. It was oddly quiet and it reminded me so much of what we once had.

I thought things would be easier and I’d be able to cope more since we weren’t married, but even though I carry this living baby inside me I still feel like my whole world is missing. I blame myself more than ever, even though everyone tells me it wasn’t my fault; I know deep down inside it really is. I insisted he went out that night even though he didn’t want to leave me behind, and if it weren’t for doing something about Colby maybe he wouldn’t have snapped and shot him just to get to me. Maybe we should have moved… maybe… there was an unlimited amount of maybes that I could continue with, but I just couldn’t stop beating myself up about ‘maybe’ or ‘if’ and ‘what could have been’.

Pulling into the driveway I slouched as my way up the front steps of my mother’s small and greeting home. Lightly shutting the door my mom jumped from the chair she ended up passing out in. Did I forget to mention that people treat me far differently than they used to. I swear they think I’m on the edge of a psychotic breakdown and need to be placed in a mental hospital so I can be put in a stupid white jacket that lets me hug myself all stinking day.

“You’re home.” She pushed a small strand of hair from her face as she tried to make the worried look on her face casual. “Visit him again?” Clearing her throat she walked up to me placing a hand on my shoulder.

“Yeah I did.” I placed my hand over my stomach once more as an odd and very painful sensation made its way through my abdomen.

“Lucy….I think it’s time we talked.” She went to open her mouth, but I threw my hand up stopping her as another wave of pain rolled my body. “Don’t you..” I cut her off before she could even finish her sentence.

“Mom, I think it’s time.” Grabbing a hold of my stomach it felt hard beneath my fingers and I knew immediately it was in fact time.

"Oh my goodness.” All the worry washed from her voice as it was replaced with excitement.
Being whisked away to the hospital I was lost in thought once again as I tried to ignore the staggering pain. Ryan… oh how I wish he was here to help me through this, but no I had to settle for my loon of a mother.

The deliver went smooth and faster than I could have hoped for. Once I saw her face I was in love all over again. She reminded me so much of Ryan. I didn’t even realize 2 days had gone by since I had her and standing outside with her in my arms with my mother standing with me.

“She’s so lovely Lucy.” My mother held her in the arms shortly after we arrived home. “I think Kaybree fits her just right.”

I smiled for the first time in a long time. “I think it does too mom.” Taking her from my mom I held her close and whispered softly. “Ryan would have loved you.” Pulling her back I looked into Kaybree’s eyes and felt at peace. I had to be strong for her.

Sometimes at night I swear I could hear Kaybree cooing and Ryan laughing. I could always imagine just how he would be. Holding her close and gently playing with her by blowing raspberries on her belly. I wonder at times when I go in her room at night if he’s there with her in spirit and she’s the only one that can see him.

Months flew by and I don’t know where I would be without the help of my mom. I got back into the flow of writing and whenever I was on the verge of a break down my mom was there to whisk away Kaybree so I could have a break, and to think I dreaded living here for the longest time.

Soon it was Kaybree’s first birthday and as we stood by the bright lights of her birthday cake; everyone cheered as I helped her blow out her candles and the lingering feeling of something missing filled my soul once again. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do this anymore. There was always the constant fighting with the inner demons that tormented me so as I struggled to push back every fleeting moment.

Watch Me Fall - Chapter 1.9

This spot holds so much more than happy memories; it also holds the one memory I can’t seem to escape no matter how much I try to run from it. It haunts every waking moment; every single dream is turned into the real nightmare I lived. I swallow hard as I crawl to the edge of the glossy ocean. My reflection stares back at me as the moon glistens and shines above.

Mascara has run down my cheeks from my sky blue eyes and my smile has vanished into a never ending frown. I’m not the girl I used to be. Time has a way of changing things, transforming people places and things from the way they were in the beginning. Its evil twisted ways have changed me for the worst. I blame myself for everything that’s happened. It was my entire fault he came out this way that fateful night.

Hovering my hand over my reflection I place into the ice cold water. Shaking my head in acknowledgement I know now that if I were to go into the ocean I wouldn’t make it for long. I want to do this; no I need to do this. It’s the only way I can forget him and the only way I can be with him. I sniffle as I look up at the never ending sky and wonder what it would be like to fly above the stars.
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I leaned up against the wall with my arms folded with a small smirk as Ryan talked away with Michael. They were planning on some guy’s night out, but of course Ryan felt like he had to talk to me to make sure it was okay. He kept saying he didn’t want to leave me by myself since my friends were too busy doing their own thing. It seemed more and more that they just never had time for me anymore. Though I insisted multiple times it would be good for him to have a good night out with the guys.

“Are you sure?” He took my hand in his and squeezed it gently. “I don’t want to leave you here bored out of your mind.” I squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“Ryan you worry too much. I’m big girl I can entertain myself. Now you go on and have some fun.” I kissed him lightly on the lips. “I love you.”
He grabbed a hold of the door knob and turned back to look at me. “I love you too Lucy.” He smiled and walked out of the door.

I sighed and plopped down on the couch finally able to have some time to think. I need to tell him something, and yet I didn’t know how to tell him. I was worried about his reaction because it’s not like I could just come out and say it. How odd would that be to blurt something like that out in the open. All the signs were there, and the doctor herself confirmed it. I was pregnant. Feeling tired I slumped forward. Maybe I should just go lay down.

Slicking my hair back I grabbed a book from the self as I made my way towards the bedroom and lay in bed. As I opened the book I took in a deep breath and as I began read my eyelids grew heavy and soon, I was fast asleep.

RYAN’s POV:

I didn’t want to leave her there all by herself, but the more she insisted the more I knew she would be mad at me if I didn’t at least go out and enjoy myself. It’s a relief yes, to get away from all the wedding planning and relax with the guys for a while. I just wish Lucy would have been able to do the same with her friends.

It was always a big thing for my friends and I to go out and hang out by the ocean at night. I don’t know what it was about it, but I think it’s just the way the moon looked across the rippling water and the fish glistened in the night sky while we were out on the ocean. I’ll admit yes there’s drinking and music, but that’s just how we relaxed.

As we hiked down to our spot the sensation of something bad was going to happen struck me. I felt uneasy and slightly skittish as we neared the water’s edge. The crashing of the waves lapped at our feet as we sat down gazing out at the sunset.

“You know man, we need to do this more often.” Michael leaned over handing me an open bottle. Taking a quick swig to douse my nerves I shook my head yes. “Though we all know how wrapped up in that girl you are.”

I slightly laughed as I took another drink. “Yeah man, but what can I say I love the girl. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”
The night was going good. We reminisced and became crazy idiots. We didn’t realize what was about to happen though. Even drunk and happy I still had that feeling in the back of my head. The shot of the gun that was determined to take my life was covered up by the crashing of the waves.

At first I didn’t feel it, but when it hit the pain was searing beyond all reason. I collapsed to the ground with my friends unaware of what had happened they still dance about the fire like drunken loons. I tried to call out for them, but they couldn’t hear me.

I grasped at my side and closed my eyes. The last thing I wanted to see was her smiling face. I knew I wouldn’t make it. I’d never be able to see her again. See her smiling face. Hold her close or feel the warmth of her body next to mine. I’d never start the family I knew she longed for. As I took my last few breaths I watched as all the memories we shared play behind my eyes.

Lucy’s POV:

I awoke to a loud crashing noise at the front door. Startled I almost fell out of bed. Collecting myself I got up and made my way to the living room, but before I got fully out of the bedroom door I was forced up against the wall and forcefully kissed. Confused I tried to push away who I thought was Ryan. How wrong was I, when I was able to finally push him away and see it was Colby.

“Colby!” I shoved him hard causing him the trip over the end of the bed. “What the heck are you doing here?” I backed up slowly towards the door as he tried to get up off of the floor.

“Didn’t I tell you I’d have you one day?” His twisted smile glared back at me as he made his way towards me. I sucked in a deep breath as I turned to run, but he caught my arm before I could get to the front door. I was crying and pleading for Ryan to come home and help me in my mind.

Yanking me towards him he glared into my eyes. “He’s not coming home.” His whisper was as deadly and poisonous as it made its way into my thoughts. Lights pierced through the windows as someone pulled in, and that someone was probably Ryan. Instinct took over and I managed to knee him where it counts. He dropped slightly towards the floor and I managed to make it to the front door.

But it wasn’t Ryan there to help me. Instead I was greeted to two grim looking police officers. It didn’t really click until after they took Colby into custody, but I had a grave feeling something was horribly wrong. I knew Ryan would have been back by now. It was almost day break, and there was no sign of him.

The gravel crunched beneath the police officers as they made their way back towards me. “I’m Officer Stewart and this is Officer Silvas. I do take it you are Lucy Reed.” This wasn’t good and they knew I knew it. I shook my head yes as my heart jumped up into my throat. Officer Stewart took off his hat as he lightly placed his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry miss, but I’ve got some bad news for you, but your fiancé has been…” I broke. I knew what he was going to say, and I didn’t want to hear it.

I collapsed onto the rocky gravel of my driveway and cried. Officer Silvas bent down and helped me back up and did the best he could to comfort me. “I’m so very sorry for your loss miss.” My heart shattered into a million pieces. “We need you to come in and identify his body. I know it’s a lot to ask, but it needs to be done so the preparations can begin.” He truly did sound remorseful and I let them guide me to their car as I stayed in a state of shock.

I couldn’t help but ask what happened, and I regret asking. It just made everything ten times worse. I was the cause of his death, and I knew exactly who did it. Colby. I couldn’t help but blurt it out, but they reassured me they were told by Michael and Dillon they were sure it was Colby who was leaving the scene shortly after the shooting.

I was sick to my stomach by the time we arrived at the morgue. I stood by a body with a sheet lightly draped over it, and I could see every outline of Ryan’s face beneath it. When they reviled his face the sound of me slowly dying inside escaped my lips. Sensing that I wanted to be left alone they left me so I could say my final good-byes.

I took his cold stiff hand in mine as I gazed upon what once was my whole life. I licked my lips and begged for me to wake up in bed with him beside me, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. He was dead and gone, and it was my entire fault. I lightly leaned over and kissed the top of his head as I let a single tear slide down my cheek and onto his ice cold skin. I’ll never be able to feel his strong arms around me, or the love he felt for me ever again. I’m going to miss his smile and the upbeat laughter and joy he brought into my life.

“I’m so sorry Ryan.” I choked back a sob. “You were going to be a father; I know you would have been an amazing one. I love you Ryan, and I’ll never forget you.”

All I Need Is You - Chapter 1.8

 
You know I sat there for the longest time after they left the lake. Pondering on what exactly I could do, and just how I could execute them. I wanted that poor excuse of a man out of the picture and the faster the better because from the looks of their intent kisses and overly grabby hands things might just progress faster than I would hope for.

Shrugging I made my way back to my car and back to her house. Sure enough when I pulled up on the opposite side of the street Ryan’s truck was parked in her driveway and all the lights were off in the house. Not good. Not one little bit. Infuriated I had think of something quick to stop the more than likely entanglement of limbs on the inside.

Bolting from the car I found the biggest rock possible and hurled it into her window. The crashing of glass echoed into the dead night followed by a very hectic scream. Satisfied I stayed out of sight and ran behind my car. The front light flicked on and out stepped Mr. Pretty Boy… in his underwear. whitey tighties to be exact okay they weren’t white, but they were pretty much under that classification.

I watched as he scouted the property and how eager I was to knock him out and run inside. The lights were out. Lucy wouldn’t have a clue, but I couldn’t risk it. Not yet, the cops were probably called, and I should leave. I wouldn’t want to tip Lucy or pretty boy of the impending doom that was unfolding in my mind.

Sluggishly I strode my way into my small, dingy, makeshift of a home. Kicking off my shoes and stripping off my clothes I decided to make myself some coffee. The stuff never really had any effect on me, but sometimes it helped me think just a bit more clearly.

Sitting down at the table I held the cup in my hands and hung my head slightly. How was I going to do this? How was I going to manage and pull everything off that kept twisting around in my mind like a cyclone?

The wheels in my head began to twist and turn. I’d have to find a time and place where he wasn’t with Lucy. Maybe driving to his work or just going somewhere in general to see her. A car accident wouldn’t even point towards its purposeful meaning of getting him the heck out of my way. I’d have Lucy before I knew it.
Here’s the thing, as I tried to find the perfect time the days turned to weeks and the weeks to months, and soon the display that played before my eyes made the fire burn even more.

RYAN’s Point of View:

Her sweet melodic voice whispered into my ears as I adjusted my clothes and rubbed the back of my neck. The palms of my hands seemed to pour with sweat as my nerves ran on high. I tried to take slow easy breaths, but this… this was the day. This was going to be the day I’d ask Lucy the number one question that always toyed around with my thoughts like raggedy dolls.
A slight knock on our bedroom door startled me causing me to almost knock a vase off of the dresser.

“Hey, aren’t you ready yet?” He smile beamed brightly as she giggled.

“Yeah, I’m ready.” I took her hand in mine and within seconds the worries all washed away. These past few months have been heaven. We moved into our own place a month or so back, and we’re still getting settled. Even though we haven’t known each other for very long, we know we were made for each other. It’s just that feeling you get whenever you near them. The feeling of actual love, and that if that person was taken from you, you’d be lost.

Now it was time to seal the deal completely; make her mine forever and eternity. I was taking her to the same exact spot we met all those months ago. What spot could be better for asking something so intimate?

“You look so adorable with the crease of worry on your forehead you know?” She playfully tugged on my arm as we stepped out near the beach. I couldn’t help but smirk as we walked down towards the ocean’s edge.

“Oh you know, I wanted to try the whole wrinkle look out before we got older. How does it look?” I made quote marks with my fingers and wiggled my eyebrows up and down causing her to burst out laughing.

“Oh Ryan, you look amazing with or without wrinkles. You know I love you for you silly.” She brushed my hair from my eyes and smiled as she cupped my cheek in her hands.

Sighing I took her hand in mine kissing the top of it. “I know which brings me to something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

I kneeled down feeling the soft sand sink under my knees weight. I watch as she lightly gasped as I fumbled around with the box in my pocket.

“Lucy Ann Reed, will you give me the honor of being my wife?” She gasped and shook her head yes.

With my shaking hands I slipped the ring on her slender finger as my heart thumbed rapidly in my chest. I loved her more than ever as I gazed up noticing a small crystal tear, caught by the moon’s rays, run down her cheek.

“I love you Ryan.” She whispered lightly as she wrapped me up into a hug. I could smell the saltiness of the ocean as a breeze rolled through the beach sending shivers down my spine. That tingling sensation of being watch peeked my interest and I couldn’t help but notice a crouched figure in the bushes.

Shaking my head I suddenly had the feeling we weren’t fully safe anymore. I pulled back with a smile before I spoke. “Corny I know, but I really wouldn’t mind going back home and cuddling?” She rolled her eyes and bit her lip.

“Sounds good to me!” Taking her hand once more we headed back to the truck and back home. Just as we stepped through the front door and locked it up she wrapped me up into an embrace pushing her lips against mine. I’m not sure if it was the forcefulness of the kiss or just because I felt it was time but I sensed she wanted much more than just cuddling.

I wasn’t going to complain and I wasn’t going to stop unless she asked, but things got a bit out of hand. It was like a whirlwind with the adrenaline and the excitement coursing through my veins as our kissing developed in something much more passionate.

It was amazing I’ll give it that, and once everything was said and done we held each other in one another’s arms not saying anything, we were too afraid to break the silence. Too afraid that if we spoke we might wake up and find it all to be nothing but a dream.